ThingsThat Make Us Happy!

Kevin and I are still enjoying our vacation from the fertility appointments and procedures. We are still planning on the frozen embryo transfer when I start my cycle in September. This break has been so needed! I forgot what it was like not to count days and track medicine. So far the Metformin has been a good fit for me. I feel like I have finally adjusted and I am hoping to see more signs that its working for me soon.

This past weekend Kevin and I got a few things ready for deer hunting in October. We were able to find me a new pair of snake hunting boots, which I love. Who knew a pair of hunting boots would ever make me happy but they did. They are so much more comfortable than the boots I had last year and they will make the mile walk back to the blind a lot better. Added bonus I don't have to worry about snakes! We also were able to get me a case for my bow, deer corn and our hunting licences for this year. Other than  putting up our blind and  feeder we are pretty much set. We took some time this weekend to practice shooting and we had so much fun. Did I say I was ready for fall yet, good grief how much longer can this hot summer last!

New hunting boots!

I have had a lot of people tell me or email me about my blog lately and I have found many of them have PCOS or infertility. It really makes me wonder if something with my generation has affected our bodies and caused infertility.  Or has fertility been around but not talked about. I am really thankful that this blog has been a out reach to others. My prayer is that out of our struggle with infertility I can support and comfort someone else going through it. I also hope that it gives others not going through infertility a understanding of the struggle and the ability to comfort someone who is.

Please continue to pray for our frozen embryo and our upcoming transfer! We are so thankful for your prayers and support, they are truly felt!

A New Season...

We have been enjoying the much needed break from doctors offices, injections and counting down days until procedures. So far metformin has been the only new thing I have had to worry with and so far its hasn't been bad. Friday I take my first full dose and I am hoping by Monday I will be fully adjusted to it. Even thought I was almost dreading this break from trying procedures it has really brought more strength and faith for our upcoming FET. We have truly given all our worries to God and we know he will provide a way, and that has been the biggest blessing to us.

Its hard to believe its almost September, which marks the beginning of one of my favorite seasons. Fall has always been my most favorite time of year. I love the clothes, weather, pumpkins and everything that has to do with fall. Last fall Kevin introduced me to bow hunting, which I actually really enjoyed. I passed on a great shot thinking something bigger would come along but I never had a shot like that again all season. I loved spending time in the blind with Kevin just being still and enjoying watching the deer and other animals that passed us by (as long as it wasn't a snake).

We started talking last weekend how its almost time to start putting our blinds up again and that really made me think about seasons. There is a season in our life for everything and those season make us look forward to the next. Infertility is just a season in our lives and when it passes we will move on to a new and joyous season. Without the grief and pain we have felt we couldn't truly appreciate the next season of our life.

Kevin and I opening day in 2010

Our prayer is that God will provide our little frozen embryo the strength it needs to survive and attach during the transfer in September. I believe that with God all things are possible and I am so thankful for his grace. As fall approaches I thank God for a new season and re-newed hope!

Psalm 46:10- "Be still, and know that I am God.."

Follow Up and Metformin

Yesterday Kevin and I had our follow up appointment with Dr. Douglas. I am so thankful that we didn't wait and went ahead and had this appointment. There are a couple possible reasons that the IVF wasn't successful. Either the embryo stopped growing or the embryos moved from the uterus so it wasn't able to attach. Because the embryos are microscopic they have no way of knowing exactly what happened. I loved how Dr. Douglas spent about 45 minutes going through our entire cycle and went over each embryo. He was frustrated that he wasn't able to tell us why it didn't work, but he said this happens to 1 out of 3 couples. He did say we were very lucky to have wonderful quality of embryos and eggs produced. He is confident that he can get us pregnant and that was all I really wanted to hear. I know he has seen thousands of women with issues, so his medical opinion really means a lot to us. We also talked about the frozen embryo transfer and he gave us encouraging news. We are going to start the process for the frozen embryo transfer when I start my next cycle which should be the first of September. This will be a lot less painful and hard on my body, which can also lead to success. We are already praying for that frozen baby, that it will survive and attach when it is thawed. Around 10% of embryos perish during the thawing stage, but since our embryo is a good quality we are praying it will be strong enough to survive.

After  visiting with the doctor I feel so much more reassured that we are on the right path. He is such an amazing doctor and really spent the time with us answering any questions we had. He also didn't charge us a dime for the visit. We also love his nursing staff! Both of his wonderful nurses were so kind to us yesterday and really care about their patients. One of them even was going to hold back some medicine for us if we were doing another round of IVF. We have been so blessed with this doctor and his office and I am so thankful for all they have done for us.

Today is my first full day of a 1000 mg of Metformin. I have been on 500 mg for 5 days and can tell a difference in my body. I have slept better than I have in years, and that's saying something. I have only had a couple times that I felt sick, and I'm hoping it stays that way. I will stay on 1000 mg until Friday and then will bump it up to 1500 mg. Dr. Douglas said that Metformin has been linked to reduced miscarriages in PCOS patients and will also increase the quality of my eggs if we do another round of IVF again. I am glad I decided to start it and I pray that it will make a great environment for the frozen embryo to survive. 

We are so thankful for the frozen embryo we have and ask that you continue to pray for it as we prepare for the transfer in the next couple of months. We are thankful for all the blessing God has given us and we are excited to see what plans he has made for us ahead!

Giving it to God....

The last week has been a continuous battle of emotions. I am overwhelmed by the love and prayers we have been blessed with from family and friends during this past week. Kevin has been a great strength to me during my dark days and I am thankful for his love. I have really been struggling with the “what are we doing next and how are we doing it”. This morning on my way to work I heard a wonderful sermon by Charles Stanley on faith. He talked about how God tests our faith and uses that as pruning. Just like you prune a tree or a bush so that its branches remain firm and its produces better fruit, God prunes us so that our faith grows stronger and deeper. God wants us to come to a place where we can admit, no I can’t do it on my own and I give it all over to you. We can keep trying to fix the problem, but only God has true control and power over these situations. This hit me really hard, I can’t fix our infertility! As much as I don’t want to admit it I kept asking myself, what did I do to deserve infertility, why me? But I already know the answer. God’s purpose for infertility in my life was to bring me closer to him and shape that relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that my relationship with the Lord is closer than it has ever been. My faith in him has never been greater. God is in control of our infertility and has to the power to help us get pregnant. I have no doubt in my mind that he has placed Dr. Douglas and his staff in our lives. I know he uses them as a tool but he alone has the power to control my infertility. Once I admitted this to myself and shed a few tears I truly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I know that God sent that message specifically for me this morning and I’m so thankful for his unconditional love.

Tomorrow we meet with Dr. Douglas to talk about the failed IVF and our FET. I have complete peace about this appointment. How can I fear when God is in control of our infertility? Tomorrow I will have been on Metformin (500 mg) for a 5^th day. So far I haven’t had a lot of side effects. Today was one of the first days I got sick from it but I also think the new high fiber diet had something to do with it as well. Saturday morning I start taking 1000 mg and I am praying that the lack of side effects will continue. I am thankful that I will start this over the weekend so I will have a couple days to let my body adjust at home.

Thank you for your continued prayers for Kevin and I. We have been blessed with an amazing support system and we are truly thankful for every one of those prayers. I pray that our infertility story will bring faith into your life and that you will be blessed by God’s pruning!

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.
Matthew 17:20 (NIV)

Loss and Fear

The last four days have been pretty hard for both Kevin and I. I thought I was really done with grieving the loss we experienced with our first IVF not being successful but today I realized I hadn't. I told myself I wasn't going to cry at work but within the first 30 minutes as people came to give me hugs and kind words I just lost it. I can't even explain what it feels like other than a death, except there isn't a funeral or memorial service. Its just Kevin and I coping and moving forward. Its a loss that I never expected to effect me the way it has, and I know in my heart I can never forget the pain I have. Nothing or no one can take it away, I just know it will get easier on with time. I know once we are blessed with a child it will make my love for that baby even deeper.I have really been focused on that next step and I think many don't understand why. Basically, that's the only thing I feel like I can do to move forward and stop grieving. We have been trying for so long we haven't had a break so it feels odd and hopeless to really take time off without having an action plan. Kevin and I have also been searching financially for a solution to fund another round of IVF if the FET fails. There are no grants that we could qualify for, so we will basically be responsible for that amount out of pocket. This basically has me terrified! I already feel like my body keeps telling me no, you can't have a baby. Now we have a solution and in order to move forward we have to have the money to finance it. I'm not going to let money detour me from having a baby either. I hate being afraid about what is ahead but its something thats hard to kick. I know God is incontrol but I still can't kick this fear.

I spoke to the doctors office today to confirm my appointment for Friday. I was able to speak to the office manager and the amount for the FET is less than we expected. Its still quite a bit of money but much better than the IVF. We still have complete faith that God will bless us with that embryo during the FET but I still want to be prepared with what he wants me to do next.

I also was able to do a little research over the weekend on metformin xr (aka glucophage) and found lots of positive results. That has me excited and nervous at the same time. I am praying that I won't have any bad side effects and that I will be able to transition to the recommended dosage as prescribed. It will take around 6 weeks to notice a difference but I hope I'm able to see a positive one. Friday when we go to the doctor we will talk about the failed IVF and what to expect with the FET. I am really hoping this can bring me closure and prepare me for whats ahead. We are also going to get his advice on how long we should wait before doing the FET.
We both still have faith that God will give us a baby. We know his plan far exceeds our plan and we are thankful for that. Right now we pray for our fears to be removed and for God to provide for us a way to financially support this infertility journey. We are thankful for your continued prayers and support.


Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.