The last four days have been pretty hard for both Kevin and I. I thought I was really done with grieving the loss we experienced with our first IVF not being successful but today I realized I hadn't. I told myself I wasn't going to cry at work but within the first 30 minutes as people came to give me hugs and kind words I just lost it. I can't even explain what it feels like other than a death, except there isn't a funeral or memorial service. Its just Kevin and I coping and moving forward. Its a loss that I never expected to effect me the way it has, and I know in my heart I can never forget the pain I have. Nothing or no one can take it away, I just know it will get easier on with time. I know once we are blessed with a child it will make my love for that baby even deeper.I have really been focused on that next step and I think many don't understand why. Basically, that's the only thing I feel like I can do to move forward and stop grieving. We have been trying for so long we haven't had a break so it feels odd and hopeless to really take time off without having an action plan. Kevin and I have also been searching financially for a solution to fund another round of IVF if the FET fails. There are no grants that we could qualify for, so we will basically be responsible for that amount out of pocket. This basically has me terrified! I already feel like my body keeps telling me no, you can't have a baby. Now we have a solution and in order to move forward we have to have the money to finance it. I'm not going to let money detour me from having a baby either. I hate being afraid about what is ahead but its something thats hard to kick. I know God is incontrol but I still can't kick this fear.
I spoke to the doctors office today to confirm my appointment for Friday. I was able to speak to the office manager and the amount for the FET is less than we expected. Its still quite a bit of money but much better than the IVF. We still have complete faith that God will bless us with that embryo during the FET but I still want to be prepared with what he wants me to do next.
I also was able to do a little research over the weekend on metformin xr (aka glucophage) and found lots of positive results. That has me excited and nervous at the same time. I am praying that I won't have any bad side effects and that I will be able to transition to the recommended dosage as prescribed. It will take around 6 weeks to notice a difference but I hope I'm able to see a positive one. Friday when we go to the doctor we will talk about the failed IVF and what to expect with the FET. I am really hoping this can bring me closure and prepare me for whats ahead. We are also going to get his advice on how long we should wait before doing the FET.
We both still have faith that God will give us a baby. We know his plan far exceeds our plan and we are thankful for that. Right now we pray for our fears to be removed and for God to provide for us a way to financially support this infertility journey. We are thankful for your continued prayers and support.
Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
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